The Core of Brokenness

Do you remember breaking your favorite toy growing up? I remember having a PlayStation and my mom did not like us playing games but one day it broke (my mom thought it was an answer to prayers). It was the worst day of my life. No more Crazy Taxi and this horrible graphic fishing game. I tried to fix that PlayStation because I wanted to play those games again but it was broken at the core. It was unfixable.

Have you ever felt broken to the core that you were unfixable? This has been the season of my life lately. Being broken at the core and wondering if the God given dream will ever come to pass. It has been the most challenging time of my life. I have never felt more like a complete failure starting a nonprofit but not being able to sustain it. I had to give up the nonprofit and it is still sitting there and I truly hated God. I was mad and broken to the core. I started to question my faith. I felt like no one knew what helping people meant to me and I started to slip away from God. I quit going to church because I did not want to see church people because I was even mad at them. I was mad at the world.

It was not until I came to my breaking point that God started to open my eyes. He had to get rid of everything in my life I was relying on and bring me back to the core of my existence. The past few days, I have never cried so much and felt so lonely because I felt like everyone had abandoned me but God had to break me at my core to bring me back home. He had to take me through one of my darkest seasons of hurt and pain to ask, “Will you trust me?”. He reminded me of the prayers that were prayed over me. He reminded me that this season was part of the core cleansing process. I had to go through this season to prepare for the next season.

My prayer for whoever is out there feeling like they have not accomplished anything and still waiting on the God given dream to be fulfilled is to continue the process. Don’t let the emergency exits of the tunnel get you off track. I got off track for a while but I know the God given dream of helping the hurting through outreach and missions will happen one day. I was created to help the hurting. It is at the core of my existence. It will be hard but do not lose sight of God through the process. Search deeper, pray harder, cry harder, and let the forming of being broken at the core happen.

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